Day 53 – Saturday

Lisa cried much of the night. We loved Bill and Linda so much. We all die, I get that. But they should have not died that way. We could have done more, been closer, helped, done something, anything! I failed them…now they are dead.

The rest of the group is pretty worn out spiritually and mentally. Some of our group are even physically tapped out…I mean done, completely done. I am wondering just how much more we can take…and can we actually survive this crazy BS world. Everyone feels that we have to go, make the trip to the cabin for safety’s sake. I don’t think they know what is in front of them. I’ve walked 320 miles, they haven’t. And from what I am seeing, times are far worse than they were when I made my escape from Tucson.

A.H. Trimble was right in his articles, the longer an event like this goes on the worse people become…they go tribal. I say they are going animal as well. It was bad enough that I had to constantly be on the watch for my own basic survival, now there are more than 20 of us…men, women, and even children. How can I watch over everyone’s survival? How can I keep them safe? I am 62 freaking years old!!!  I am an old man, my feet are a mess, my knee is sore like it’s never been before. I am supposed to be sitting in a rocking chair enjoying sunsets and fishing for God’s sake! How can I even think I can take of myself any more let alone take care of a whole group of people who have never even gone on a picnic together before?

I feel so lost. I am trying to keep it from others, they don’t need to see that weakness in me. Jim talked to me a little earlier. He wanted to pray with me. I sneered at him and asked him why would God do anything now. I made it worse when I asked him why would he allow something like this to happen in the first place…why would his God be so cruel…what happened to this loving Heavenly Father he had told me about before…where was he now?

Jim started to cry. I felt like an ass. I told him to pray if he wanted to…for me, I would kill my way to Arizona to protect us. He told me that wouldn’t be enough. We’ll see. I walked away not wanting to hear any more about God. Where has it gotten us!?

For now we just have to concentrate on two things; 1) long-term goal of getting to the cabin, 2) the short-term goal of staying alive long enough to escape from Las Cruces.



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